2019 was… interesting to say the least. I made some very questionable choices, but everything worked out for my good at the end of the day. There were definitely seasons of pain, frustration, and confusion. But out of all the situations I’ve been in this past year, each one has helped me grow and trust in myself even more.
By trusting in myself, I mean for me to trust my potential with the talents and resources God has blessed me with. As I continue my senior year and look towards my *hopeful* graduation date of December 2020, I’ve really started to realize how short college is– shoot, how short life itself is. My first 2-3 years of college can be best summarized as me trying to survive, not live and thrive. From battling a deep, dark depression to healing from stuff in my childhood (which is not over since healing can be a life long process), I subconsciously had the mentality of “Okay, I just need to survive this semester/class/living situation/depression right now and I can’t focus on anything else. I don’t have enough energy and/or self-worth to allow myself to try to succeed in multiple things at once.”
I’ll always thank God for introducing me to track and field because training for my event has legitimately been a lifesaver for me. I know my true worth doesn’t come from what I do, whether well or poorly, but in something that I can’t earn on my own, God’s grace and love. But if I didn’t have track to focus on when my life was at a dangerously low point, I don’t know where I would be right now.
With that being said, I’ve been running track unattached throughout my entire college career. Throughout college, I’ve discovered other interests that I have, such as art and nature, and I’ve tried to tap into those as much as possible. But I realize I haven’t been as involved in the college life as I had hoped for when I began college my freshman year. Sure, transferring from one big school to another right before my junior year was the toughest adjustment and even triggering. But as I’m learning about myself more and more, I recognize that my time is too short here at this university and on this earth for me not to chase every dream and desire I have. I’ve known sports for so long so that’s why it was so easy for me to direct my attention from one sport to the next when I made the jump from basketball to track.
I realize imposter syndrome has gotten the best of me these last few years… but I plan to put a stop to it for my last year of undergrad. Sure, I’m an athlete and all. But I don’t want to be remembered for just my physical abilities. I believe that my identity is in Christ and that I’m not what I do.
Read those five words one more time, please.
Regardless of your beliefs, I want to tell you that
what you do.”
Your worth as a person is not determined at what you “succeed” or “fail” at according to anyone’s standards, even yours. You’re worth so much more than that.
As I’m trusting myself more, I want to be comfortable with people knowing me for other things I’m involved with before track comes into the conversation. I won’t say much for now, but I’ve been dreaming big and have some plans for 2020 with what I want to pursue, on and off the track of course. Even if you’re not an athlete, I want to encourage you to think about the last dream you said no to because you thought you didn’t have enough time, money, etc.. Finances are a tough one but don’t immediately shut the door because you don’t have everything mapped out (like I’ve ignorantly done numerous times). Trust in yourself that you are capable of your wildest dreams and then go pursue that thing– regardless of how crazy it seems to others or how long it might take you.