“Have I made the right decisions?

Do I trust myself?

Do I love myself?

Is it my fault that my season is over before it even started for the second consecutive time in a row?”

These (filtered) thoughts have been flooding through my head this past week. A few friends have pointed out that I haven’t seemed like myself lately. And now that I’m thinking on it more, maybe they’re right. Maybe I just feel lost. 

But I have so many things going for me, right? Stable job, my own apartment, etc. but my track injury from back in September could’ve been avoidable. It’s not like I was being stupid and not taking things like my warm ups and cool downs seriously. But my running form was constantly being tweaked by my coach (and rightfully so as I wasn’t very fundamentally sound just yet as embarrassing as it is to admit that). He would correct something one day, I would hyper focus on it too much, and then overemphasize the technique the following day. So in a nutshell, that’s how I hurt myself and jeopardized my season. It’s crazy that this is the first injury where I literally felt it happen in the moment— I was working on a few standing starts at the end of a solo practice one day… my left foot landed awkwardly when I planted it on the ground and immediately I felt a sharp pain in my knee. I went home and did the right thing with icing and elevating it asap. I thought everything was okay as I was able to run the next day… until about a week later when I couldn’t straighten my leg. Then right before I could convince my doc to write me a referral for a MRI, I get into my first traumatic car crash which totaled my car. 

I’ve been hit-miss when it comes to processing all of this and just the second half of 2021 in general. But maybe now that things are settling down, the smoke is clearing and is allowing me to grieve some of the things I had to quickly set beside me in order for me to survive. Maybe this injury (knee contusion and not anything MCL/ACL related), the car crash, and other serious events that’s happened the last few months had to happen for a reason. It’s possible that all of this will all make sense this time next year or even sooner than that.

But for right now, there’s a lot of disappointment and anger. Not at God or at anyone else but towards myself. And I know that’s not healthy to contemplate about but hell, it’s the truth as to how I’ve felt… how I’ve been acting in self sabotaging ways for the last few weeks according to my friends. Obviously some of the things mentioned above were completely out of my control – but my mind still wages war and thinks that if I did “this” or “that” differently, maybe things would be different.

But I know that to end some of the added pressure and suffering I’ve put on myself, I have to accept what has happened and live in the present. Maybe all had to be sacrificed for something greater in the future. 

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