The 5th Dance (?)

Well, that pivoting scenario only lasted me a few months…

I decided to return to track training after reaching back out to a coach in my area who’s agreed to train me (originally met him back in 2019), hiring a nutrition/fuel coach, getting a new psychologist, and reconnecting with a mental performance coach that I briefly worked with in the past. Although I’ve been grieving and processing the result of a failed dream, I realized that it’s too difficult for me to walk away considering my past circumstances.

Throughout these last ~4 “seasons” of mine (actually calling them seasons is very generous of me), it’s been nearly impossible to guess what I’m truly capable of as an all-around athlete. There was either a lack of a support system (something that I’m still building from scratch if I’m honest), a coach, and/or a lack financially.

Fast forward to now, June 2021, I have a full-time job which gives me a little breathing room financially to do the things I’ve put off for so long. I guess you could call this “a deep pursuit to discover what I’m truly made of.” I can’t yet say that this sport “wasn’t for me” because I’ve never had all the puzzle pieces put together these past few years to accurately come to a conclusion such as that.

Training on top of a full-time 40 hour work week will be tough. It’s only been one week since I’ve been in my coach’s summer program (of course on the grass and not the track with starting back with little notice) and it’s mind boggling to believe I work 8:30a-5p Monday-Friday then head to the track at 6p after that. On the bright side, I love the company I work with. If I didn’t have this job, then my schedule would be even more sporadic with having 2-3 part-time jobs just to cover my bases.

When people ask me what my PR’s are, it’s a pretty awkward conversation. I’ve been at this for so “long” and due to external circumstances, I’ve only been able to compete in one meet in this four year span (and that one heat time I ran is not for bragging purposes… believe me).

I’ve had to face my demons out on the track and training mostly by myself for the last four years. Those feelings still creep up even now with support in a form of a coach and training partners. I believe part of it is training my mind to believe that I’m not in danger nor do I have to be in fight or flight mode all the time.

I am safe. I am capable.

Will returning back to track be the right move when I look back towards the end of the year? Will I be able to determine what I’m capable of and not only for my coach to see it in me, but for ME to see it in myself? Is this the Last Dance or do I have a bunch more left in the tank? Will I progress to where I can compete at the elite levels like my friends and acquaintances?

Only time will tell.

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